She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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