She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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