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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
it hurts more in the daytime
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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