seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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