Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize