My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
