I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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