I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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