She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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