I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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