my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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