It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
