She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize