just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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