So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
