I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
