hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Randomize
