Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
