I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You brought string cheese to the strip club
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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