i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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