I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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