I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
