Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize