I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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