cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
