It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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