I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wish life had little blips of pornography
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
