I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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