party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
