On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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