Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
