party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
