It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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