haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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