I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
