Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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