So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
