I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
