I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
