I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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