He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
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