You smell like a Billy Joel song
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
