So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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