I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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