I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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