My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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