I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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