Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
