She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
