Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
