My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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