I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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