Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
