Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
last night I used snow as a chaser
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
