after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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