You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
