my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
