When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize