i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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